September 11, 2009

Maxi Pads...Are you kidding me?

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.

And that's a promise I will keep. Always. . ..
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

Now thats funny......


The Bumbles said...

Hahahahahaha!!!! I like the commercials even less - where the happy lady's voice says "Have A HAPPY Period!" Huh? Yeah - I'll try to remember to find a way to do that. Great product - terrible marketing. Go Advil!

Bella said...

that is hillarious. Although, when my daughter was 3 years old, she found my always maxi's w/ wings under the sink. She thought I was holding out on a cool new toy. Without my knowledge she promptly stuck one on each foot and used them to "skate" on the hardwood and tiled floor. Once I stopped laughing my azz off, I realized she was cleaning the floor, so I let her keep doing it all the time. The original Swiffer!! Now that would make a great commercial.

La bell'anima said...

that's cute bella! Kids do some really silly things but are just too hilarious for words!

everytime I see a maxi pad commercial I think of the movie Lone Star State of Mind. Funny movie about kids in a small town in Tx trying to get out. One guy robs a gas station but can't find anything to mask who he is so he and his partner put on maxi pads over their face and cut holes out for the eyes. Funniest part of the whole damn movie :)

Digital Flower Pictures said...

Happy and period just don't go together at this house.

Lyndsey said...

I just found this post, and I had to comment. I, too, use Always and like you there is nothing happy going on in my house at that time of the month. Your description of taking pain relievers might as well been myself writing the exact same thing. I generally like to forget about human existence for the week that I'm out of it.

Another stupid one I want to point out? Kotex. I used to use Kotex but I thought the whole "noiseless wrapper" idea was the dumbest thing I had ever heard of. I hate to break it to the makers, but that's probably the furthest thing on their mind when using a Kotex product, you know?

Thank you for writing this. It made me feel good.