November 24, 2009
November 19, 2009
Mammograms
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need
to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the
exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared
for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right
in and around your home.
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the
door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first
time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is
just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the
floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.. Ask a
friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently
flattened and chilled... Turnover and repeat with the other breast..
EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist.. Invite a
stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your
breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment
with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the
exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared
for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right
in and around your home.
EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the
door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first
time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is
just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the
floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.. Ask a
friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently
flattened and chilled... Turnover and repeat with the other breast..
EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist.. Invite a
stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your
breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment
with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!
November 10, 2009
Wordless Wednesday
Guess what happened to me while on vacation in Mexico last week? My DBF Michael has become my DF (Darling Fiance)!!
October 20, 2009
Wordless "Happy Anniversary Honey" Wednesday
Wordless Wednesday has fallen on our 3rd anniversary this year. Here's a toast to a lifetime of happiness together!
I Love You
October 14, 2009
My Review of Metro Slimmer 360º Skinny Jeans
Originally submitted at Metrostyle
These revolutionary jeans have built-in panels in the front and back to lift your backside, slim your tummy and smooth all over – so you look amazing from every angle! Imported.
Loved the Jeans!
By Lori from Yucaipa, CA. on 10/14/2009
Fit: Feels true to size
Waist: Feels true to size
Length: Feels too long
Pros: Flattering, Comfortable, Attractive Design, Nice Color
Best Uses: Night Out, Casual Wear
Describe Yourself: Casual Dresser
Comfort vs Style: Comfort Driven
Loved the jeans so much I ordered another pair.
(legalese)
October 11, 2009
Paranormal Activity...a must see movie!!!
After a young, middle class couple move into what seems like a typical suburban “starter” tract house, they become increasingly disturbed by a presence that may or may not be demonic but is certainly most active in the middle of the night. Especially when they sleep. Or try to. These are no name actors (meaning I have never heard of them before) that do a great job at making you believe what they are experiencing is real. This is the first time I have been scared at the movies in quite a while. The ending...well, lets just say OMG!!! Its a must see movie. If its not playing in your city don't forget to demand it. It's the perfect time of year for a scare like this.. LOVED IT!!
October 6, 2009
September 24, 2009
Rotten Customer Service
There is nothing worse than going someplace and getting crappy service. With the economy the way it is, you would think that companies would go above and beyond to get your business. Case in point, last weekend. DBF Michael and I went to San Pedro for Lobsterfest. I made the reservations 6 months is advance and booked us a suite at Crowne Plaza. When we arrived, we were told by a flighty receptionist that our room had been bumped. She left us standing there for 15 minutes while she researched the problem. After returning, we were told that the airlines had booked suites for their pilots and they weren't scheduled to leave until 11 o'clock that night. WTF? She then down sized us to a mini-suite and only took 16.00 dollars off the tab. We are not off to a good start. One of the things we liked about this hotel was that they offered shuttle service. When we went down to the lobby and asked for a shuttle ride to the fair, we were told by the moron behind the counter that it would take 15 minutes. After waiting patiently for 20 minutes, I went back in the lobby and he was no where to be found. I asked the next available person how much longer we would have to wait. After consulting with another moron that spoke little English, we were informed that we would have to walk even though there were 4 shuttles sitting in the parking lot. They didnt have a shuttle available to take us to the fair. I was mad.
We get to the fair and try to make the best of a messed up situation. This weekend was not off to a good start. After walking around, we wandered into a restaurant that sat on the bay. We sat at a table for a half an hour and no one bothered to take our order. I had to go to a manager and find out what the problem was. He then signaled a waitress who proceeded to take our order. BTW, she made us feel very unwelcomed by her attitude and body language. Her excuse for not taking our order, she thought someone else was helping us. Mind you, this girl walked past our table at least 20 times and didn't even look our way. It took forever to get our food and a life time for a refill on drinks. Needless to say, we didn't leave a tip. When we got back in to town, we stopped by our favorite restaurant the Elephant Bar. It was so nice to be home and loved. We had drinks on our table within 5 minutes, and food another 10 minutes after that. Not only will we never stay at another Crowne Plaza hotel but that restaurant by the bay (I wish I could remember the name), will never see another dime from my wallet. Companies are shutting their doors daily. I suggest they go to their local Elephant Bar and learn how people should be treated. Shame on you Crowne plaza for treating your customers like crap. If I stop one person from staying at your hotel, I have done my job!!
We get to the fair and try to make the best of a messed up situation. This weekend was not off to a good start. After walking around, we wandered into a restaurant that sat on the bay. We sat at a table for a half an hour and no one bothered to take our order. I had to go to a manager and find out what the problem was. He then signaled a waitress who proceeded to take our order. BTW, she made us feel very unwelcomed by her attitude and body language. Her excuse for not taking our order, she thought someone else was helping us. Mind you, this girl walked past our table at least 20 times and didn't even look our way. It took forever to get our food and a life time for a refill on drinks. Needless to say, we didn't leave a tip. When we got back in to town, we stopped by our favorite restaurant the Elephant Bar. It was so nice to be home and loved. We had drinks on our table within 5 minutes, and food another 10 minutes after that. Not only will we never stay at another Crowne Plaza hotel but that restaurant by the bay (I wish I could remember the name), will never see another dime from my wallet. Companies are shutting their doors daily. I suggest they go to their local Elephant Bar and learn how people should be treated. Shame on you Crowne plaza for treating your customers like crap. If I stop one person from staying at your hotel, I have done my job!!
September 22, 2009
September 15, 2009
Wordless "OOPS" Wednesday
DBF Michael and I were talking about football. He's a Raiders fan and Im a Chargers fan. 5 minutes after bagging on my Chargers...look what happened to the bottom of his Raider chair!!Yep, it collapsed. Can you say Karma????
September 11, 2009
Maxi Pads...Are you kidding me?
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.
And that's a promise I will keep. Always. . ..
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Now thats funny......
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.
And that's a promise I will keep. Always. . ..
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX
Now thats funny......
September 5, 2009
Questions and Answers from the Doctor......
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, y our ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, y our ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ...... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
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