Divorce

Divorce is such a harsh word. Technically, the term means the dissolution of a marriage contract between a man and a woman, by the judgment of a court of competent jurisdiction, or by an act of the legislature. Emotionally, it means my life is about to change drastically. One day you’re happy and content, everything is wonderful in your world, the next day you’re apartment hunting and fighting over who gets the sofa and matching love seat. When you go to the alter before God, you promise to love, honor, and cherish this person forever. How do people come to the determination that one person will make them happy “Until death do us part”? Forever is a long time. I’ve been there twice. Although, honestly, I knew the first one wouldn’t last. It took me a little convincing to go there a second time. That one didn’t work out either. I swore, after paying for the divorce, I would never get married again. However, that was a long time ago and never is a powerful word. I’m at the age now that I don’t want to grow old alone. My kids are almost grown and I want someone there for me. I think in your 20’s and 30’s, you see the world a lot different than when you’re 40. I want to get married again but I never want to go thru another divorce. Wouldn’t it be great if there were a lifetime guarantee on all the decisions we make? For those of you freshly coming out of a divorce, I’m here to tell you that you WILL survive. Life will go on and you will love again. I know, it’s happened to me.

Birthcontrol Pill, friend or foe?

Birth control Pills were a part of my life for many years. I started taking it before my kids and then after pregnancy. I never really thought about the side effects, only the advantage of not getting pregnant. Many people don't realize the change it has on your personality. I started taking Seasonale roughly 2 years ago. I thought it was great because you only had a period once every 3 months. Wow, what could be better? As soon as I started taking it, I noticed a massive increase in my sensitivity level. Meaning, I felt constantly on edge. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Add PMS to an already hormonal situation, and you have a walking lunatic. It was one day, while I was fighting with my DBF Michael, that I realized this stuff was making me nuts. That, and the fact that he looked me straight in the eyes and called me mental. I had to stop and think about the fight itself, (or should I say analyze the hell out of it) before realizing that I really did sound wacko. The things I thought about and the way I felt was exaggerated by a thousand. Events that wouldn't effect most people, threw me over the edge. We sat down and talked about us. It seems that after careful calculations, we concluded that we fought the same time every month. I decided to go off the pill to see if it really was the medication or if I needed my head examined. I was relieved to find, after going off birth control, I was actually a normal (well, as normal as Im gonna get) person. No more living on the edge, no more walking on egg shells, no more fights about stupid things (well, not as many and definitely not as big), and no more feeling miserable all the time. I was a very unhappy person. Now, I feel like I have my life and sanity back. My world is a much nicer place to be, and my DBF Michael, well, he's a lot happier too. So women, before you file for divorce or leave your husband because you just cant deal with him anymore, stop and take a look at yourself. Is there anything that you are doing to amplify the situation? True, birth control is a very easy solution to the pregnancy dilemma, but is it worth it? If you're not on the pill and are fighting with the man in your life on a regular basis, then, it probably is his fault (smile).

TT #45

13 excuses kids give for getting out of things.

1. I forgot.

2. I didnt know you wanted me to do it now.

3. I thought my brother was gonna do it.

4. I will do it tomorrow, I prrrrrrrrrromise.

5. I dont want to get my new shoes dirty.

6. Just let me get to the next level on my computer game.

7. I took a shower yesterday.

8. He hit me first.

9. Everyone else gets to do it, why cant I?

10. It was an accident.

11. My brother made me do it!

12. The lawn is too wet to mow.

13. It was like that when I got here.

Wordless Wednesday...a look back

Positive Energy

People tend to put their positive emotions in the dark shadow of their negative feelings. This is one of the biggest problems we come across during our lives. It is very hard to ignore a negative experience and try to replace it with positive ones. No matter how strict and logical you want to be, you will always be a human being, not a robot. When you’re a child and lose a pet, it makes you extremely sad. Your parents can certainly buy you another pet, but the pain of the loss still takes a long time to go away. Things get even more serious as adults. A fight with your partner the night before will affect your entire day. You will go to work angry, tired, with your mind wandering. Then you will go home in an even worse mood. On the way from work towards home, you won’t be able to notice the sun shining and you won’t be tempted to stop at the supermarket and buy your favorite ice cream. That one negative thought is contaminating the way you perceive the reality around you. In this moment you will feel that finding a safe place to relax your mind would do wonders. And that place is relatively easy to find. It can be an actual location or an imaginary place. The best idea is to totally emerge yourself in it. Your mind will suddenly jump from the negative thoughts that dominated your last hours or days and start processing a whole new kind of information. A safe place can be in many forms. It can be a song, a movie, even a person. The main thing is to allow yourself to get completely involved in it. You might still get flashes of the problem every now and then but ignore them. Although, the safe place exists only as a helping hand, not as a solution to your problems. It is there to help you relax your mind, for a few minutes or hours. This is a vital stage in your solution to what is bothering you. You will return from your safe place with an increased energy level. You will feel better about yourself and gain more confidence that any issue can be resolved. This is how a small escape from a harsh reality can increase your fighting energy and allow you to solve even the most difficult problems. Above all, always remember that we cannot change things that had already happened and all the things happening around us, but we can develop positive energy to help us deal with the stressors in our life.

Children and Divorce

Divorce is nasty enough with the two people that are involved. Sometimes we tend to forget about the children and what they are going thru. Here are a few things to keep in mind while you are trying to readjust to your new life as a divorced single parent:

*Children deserve a lasting relationship with both parents.

*They need to be the #1 status in their parents' lives.

*Parental cooperation throughout the divorce helps both sides.

*Give truthful answers to your children’s questions.

*Give them relief from feelings of guilt and blame.

*They deserve freedom from interparental hostility, playing one parent against the other doesn’t get you anywhere and it tears your child apart.

*Pay attention to their thoughts and feelings.

*Let them have input into the visitation schedule.

*Give them privacy to communicate with family and friends. Give them space.

*Give them freedom from playing the role of messenger. You are adults. Communicate as such.

*Please no coercion to keep secrets.

*And last but not least, give them an understanding of the divorce agreement. Let them know that things will be OK.

If you take all of these into consideration when dealing with your divorce, it will make it a much smoother transition for everyone.

No More Football Pleeeeeeeeease!!

You know, Im a trooper when it comes to alot of things. I know everything isnt always about me and I have to learn compromise. However, this is the first year that I have understood what it is like to be a football widow. Ive given up my Sundays so that my man can watch the games from sun up to sun down. Now, its the play offs and its taken up my Saturdays too. Good Lord, whats a girl to do? How many more weeks of this stuff can I endure? I try to be patient, I even sit down for a while to see what going on in the game but I honestly dont know how much more football I can take!! Lets see, Superbowl is how many weeks off? My weekends are for fun but my idea of fun and my DBF Michaels ideas are two completely different things. Oh well, I guess all I can do is grin and bare it. I know there will be an end to this eventually. Until then, I will continue to be supportive and bite my tongue. All I can say is, COME ON FEBRUARY!!!

The Empty Nest

The holidays are over and its time to start a new year. The Christmas lights are down, the decorations are put away, and I'm all alone in the house once again. After spending so much time with the ones I love, its hard to get back into the old routine of day to day living. As a Mother, we love the quiet times that we get to ourselves. It seems when your kids are growing up, those quiet times are few and far between. Then, they get older. You go from midnight feedings to bedtime stories, and before you know it, your giving them curfews to be home when they are out with friends. Where did the time go? It feels like only yesterday that my kids were crying over scrapped knees, now, my oldest is in the military living on his own and my youngest is a junior in High School. I've been raising kids for so long, I forgot what I was suppose to do now. You get so use to being a Mother that you sometimes loose track of who you are and what makes you happy. As a single mother, I've always had to do double duty, which wasnt easy. Its been a struggle but one that I'm proud to say I survived. I guess its almost time to put one chapter of my life to rest and start another. After spending my 20's and 30's raising kids, I'm really excited to see what my 40's and 50's have in store for me. I'm feeling a little melancholy tonight, it must be the sound of emptiness in my house. Thats OK though, once my teenager is back from his friends house, that silence wont last for long.

The choice is yours

This time of year can bring many people alot of pain. You do your best to keep busy with mulitple chores, Christmas shopping, extra workouts at the gym, long hours at the office but you just cant kick the feeling. Your not alone. Many people find this time of year especially painful because it is the time for togetherness. Sometimes you can be in a crowd of people and still feel very alone. Ive spent a few holidays without a significant other and it doesnt have to be so bad. I think alot of it is mind set. You have to convince yourself that you are going to be OK and then believe it. Self pity can be quite smoothering if you let it consume your life. I understand hurt, heartache, and loneliness. The kind that comes from deep inside and makes it tough to breathe sometimes. I look at those moments as waves. If you go to the beach and you stand in one spot, the waves will crash into you. However, as soon as they hit, they are gone. You have to look at life that way. Its filled with hard hits and things that make us hurt but what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. Decide that one person is not your Universe and stop wasting time wondering what happened because it happened for a reason. Learn from it and move on.

TT #44

13 of the MOST COMMON New Years resolutions

1. Spend More Time with Family & Friends

2. Fit in Fitness

3. Tame the Bulge

4. Quit Smoking

5. Enjoy Life More

6. Quit Drinking

7. Get Out of Debt

8. Learn Something New

9. Help Others

10. Get Organized

11. Find My Soul Mate

12. Find a Better Job

13. Go back to school

Let me add, these are not my resolutions. I dont believe in setting myself up for failure but this list is what most people strive for.There is something about self deprivation that turns my inner rebel into a seething monster. If you tell me I cant, Im gonna do it anyway just because...

You survived the holidays.

You did it!! Congratulations to all of those newly single parents (or single people in general) that made it thru the holidays for the first time on their own. Its amazing how you can live your life on a day to day basis, conquering one hurdle at a time, and then be blind sided by the holidays. You know they are coming. They happen the same time every year but you never quite prepare yourself for the emptiness of your first holiday as a single person. Add to it the complication (or should I say the guilt you feel) of children and it can be a bit overwhelming. The only thing I can say that may make it better is that it gets easier. The first one is always the toughest. The children pick up on things really quickly two. For instance, the fact that they now have two Christmas’s instead of one. Instant happiness, just add massive amounts of guilt presents and life is wonderful in their world. So now its time to do something for yourself. Did you get gift cards?? If so, take yourself shopping and have a blast. Did you get a new outfit?? Go ahead, Invite a friend to go out to dinner and show off your new attire. Whatever it is, do something for you. Lord knows you’ve earned it.

Wordless Wednesday

Do you remember?

New Years Resolutions

When the clock strikes midnight on the last day of the year, it always makes me have butterflies in my stomach. New Year's is the only holiday that celebrates the passage of time. Perhaps that's why, as the final seconds of this year tick away, we become introspective. Inevitably, that introspection turns to thoughts of self-improvement and the annual ritual of making New Year's Resolutions. Yes, I know most people don’t follow thru with the resolutions they make but here are a few pointers that might help you out this year.

Pre-contemplation: The desire to change is vague. This is a good time to seek information and ask some important questions such as, "What risks am I running by going along just as I have been?"
Contemplation: Weigh the benefits of change. This is a time to get specific, to monitor behavior. For example, keep a record of how much you eat, drink, spend, etc.
Preparation: Begin making small changes. For example, you might give up some TV time and redirect your energy. Now's the time to tell family and friends that the leopard is about to change his spots. Go ahead and make that commitment.
The Action: Banish and sacrifice vices while embracing and committing to new virtues. At this point, give yourself all the help and support you can by creating a sense of accountability to others. Encourage family and friends to prod, provoke and push you.
Maintenance: This is the challenging part. You're finished with your old habit and into your new life. It is a lot easier to maintain your resolution than it is to regain it. Do your self a monumental favor and stay focused on WHY you set this resolution in the first place!

Those who actually pull it off can prove to others and to themselves that they believe in the ability to change. Try not to indulge in self-blame or excuse making. Avoid wishful thinking and concentrate on results. Last but not least, understand your motivators and the reasons why the resolution is important to you. Did I also mention that I never make resolutions myself? I only hope for a better year than the previous one. It works for me and NEVER makes me feel guilty. To all of you who are determined to make a change though, good luck!!